you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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