she was so not down for the gang bang
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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