I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
