This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
