OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You smell like stripper and shame
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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