I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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