Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Pooping to opera.
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