I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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