I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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