We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I love you. Go after that dick
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
