Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
