Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
