Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i will never coherently bang her
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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