Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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