Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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