I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I think I just sharted jello shots
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
