I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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