why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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