I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
