I wish they made helmets for livers.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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