I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I could fuck to npr.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
