Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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