dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
even my farts smell like vagina
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
