i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
no, he came in my armpit
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Randomize
