Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
