I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
