look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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