I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
