i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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