If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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