I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
