i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
