you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
