saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize