can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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