I'm drive I can fine osifer
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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