Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
