Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So. Much. Porn.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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