Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
