Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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