the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
