i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
