According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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