I accidentally burped into my bong.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i would one night stand the shit outta him
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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