if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
