got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
