He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
