I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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