Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
