Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
