I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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