Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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