god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize