Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
