dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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