I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
