My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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