when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
