you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
